Treating children as possessions is akin to slavery.
Several sources of encouragement brought me around to the idea of treating my child as the true autonomous person that she is … and it was liberating.
I can’t say anything better than what is written in The Prophet:
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.”
Your Children are not Your Children
“Put that down.”
“It’s time to go.”
“No, not that jacket, THIS jacket.”
We exert a lot of dominance over our children.
What if someone did that to you?
Me?
Screw you! I don’t care what shoes YOU want me to wear. I want to wear THESE shoes.
So I will.
And you can go to hell.
The excuses all make sense, though.
“She’ll be cold if she wears that jacket.”
“We said we’d be there, and in this family we’re good on our word.”
“That object is fragile, and my child doesn’t respect its value.”
But what if we let go of some of that?
She might get cold, and some stuff might get broken.
And.
Our child may learn to take responsibility for her decisions.
After all, your child is an autonomous person, just like you.
Respecting all people as individuals
This is a high level philosophy to parenting.
For me, it involved letting go of what I perceived as the responsibility for the well-being of a person who is dependent on me, and re-framed that as the primary educator for another person’s path to self-direction.
Because they are
Although I was, in my own opinion, relatively slow to come around to it, the statement in The Prophet really stood out to me as a fact.
Like, oh, yeah, this person came through me (and really my wife) which does make her my child, but she’s not MINE like any other possession I own. She’s her.
Our culture has worked very hard to move past the possession of other people
The dramatic, but effective, analogy was to reflect on how my parenting techniques were akin to slavery.
I didn’t work my kid, like the image that comes to mind.
But I didn’t let her have another cupcake.
And I forced her to brush her teeth.
I wouldn’t do that to you, or my wife, yet somehow I justify doing it to my kids under this guise of responsible parenting.
A dynamic shift in the relationship
Just like I alluded to above, if you exert dominance over me I’m going to tell you to piss off.
But if you constantly try to help me, and listen to me, and hear the reasons I don’t want to do the things that you want me to do, then I may come to respect your opinion. And MAYBE even get to the point where I ask you for your opinion as I’m forming my own.
THE MOST IMPORTANT POINT
Stop being a wise ass.
Don’t read this and be all like: “well I’m not going to let my child wear flip flops in winter”.
First.
Why not?
That’s not a facetious question. Really dig into that.
Why. Not?
Next, if you come around to the idea to allow children to make their own decisions, knowing full well that they may regret it, be there for them when they need you.
And don’t be a wise ass about it!
I’m totally guilty of this, so don’t take me as a purist.
“I told you so!”
Man. No.
When the kid has realized that her feet are cold, be there with compassion, love, understanding and some warm socks and boots.
“I understand your feet are cold. I brought your warm socks and boots because I thought you might want them. Would you like them now? I can help you put them on, if you like.”
Finding the balance
Lastly, again, don’t misinterpret what I’m getting at.
I would never let my kid walk into a highway, or do anything else that puts them in imminent danger.
I’m just saying there is a lot of menial crap where we justify exerting a tremendous amount of dominance over our children.
Letting go of some of that has the potential to dramatically reshape the relationship between us and the people that we love the most.
I didn’t get here on my own
The concept is a simple switch in mentality, but this post alone may not be eloquent enough to solidify the transition for you.
Other sources that have been influential for me are:
- The Prophet – Everyone should own a copy of this book.
- Unconditional Parenting – A great book with deep insight into the results of more traditional parenting techniques (like time-outs)
- One Free Family – The best parenting podcast I’ve found, and it’s right out of New Hampshire!
As always, keep in touch. Contact me or comment below. I’m committed to being the best parent that I can, so I always welcome insight from equally dedicated men and women.
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